Companionship

Who knows your truth? With whom do you share your life experiences openly and honestly? Where do you turn for honest criticism?

As we emerge from the dark age of the Bush administration in America, it seems interpersonal relationships have regressed in quality on some levels and progressed in others. The advent of Facebook and Linkedin have perhaps diminished isolation for the more socio-phobic. However, the level of intimacy in these virtual communities is inhibited by the constraints of the new hypocrisies about sexuality and gender roles. Leftovers from the born-again days.

This is also a post-psychological era in many ways. Drug companies have subverted psychotherapy as a method of personal growth and understanding. Alcohol abuse and alcoholism are once again epidemic on college campuses and in the lives of young working adults in urban areas. Drug abuse is also commonplace on all levels of society.

The stretch to intimacy in relationships is inhibited by the sense in many circles that "getting along" in groups is crucial. This breeds stagnation and conformity in such groups. Creative relationships wither in this atmosphere, where gossip and peer pressure are governed by mediocrity, political correctness (hypocrisy) and jealousy.

Trusting, committed companionship between two or more people is a precious asset in life, which can transform and sustain lives of creativity and expansion. Honesty in such relationships is key. Respect of personal differences and individual autonomy is also essential.

The current obsession in American society is finding The One. It seems absurd to see this stated by someone on Facebook who lists over 1,000 people as their friends. If I were to have 1,000 friends and had yet to find The One, I would logically assume I am not looking very hard, or that The One is not really whom I'm after. In fact, I would begin to think I was perhaps content with The None.

This brings me back to my original questions. The answers to these questions may vary. For some, the person most intimately involved in his/her day-to-day may be someone on a computer thousands of miles away. While relationships of this kind can be remarkably sustaining on an intellectual level, they do not provide the touch and hugs of affection which most human beings relish and need to feel loved.

At another extreme, the person most intimately involved with a person's life may be a sexual partner who is not even part of that person's day-to-day. The mistress or the sex buddy may know more about his companion than anyone else in his companion's life. This is not as uncommon as conventional morality would lead us to believe.

Integrating intimacy and companionship is the skill of a mentally healthy adults. It entails commitment on some level, occasional failure and creativity. The result is greatly nourishing. The rewards eventually outweigh the effort. True companionship with intimacy makes our lonely path from birth to death less arduous and more joyful.

Commitment

The virtual acquaintanceship which abounds in a Facebook world is an extension of the real community which once existed on every block or in every neighborhood of cities and towns. That actual community is rare in modern America. As Americans have done with fast food over real food, they now settle for this virtual community over real community.

Why? I think the answer is simple. It's easier. Real relationships require work. Being in touch with an elderly neighbor down the street may entail cutting her lawn or getting her groceries. Knowing a quadriplegic next door may entail washing him and helping him out of bed in the morning when his caregiver is unable to do it.

Community, like all relationships of any substance, requires some commitment. Americans are averse to social commitment. This aversion is obvious in America's refusal to address global warming, urban poverty and other social inequalities in society. This aversion is obvious in the popularity of Tea Party rantings about not paying taxes and its attempts to stoke fires of racism in America. This aversion is obvious in America's persistent willingness to toy with the human rights of LGBTQ people and others.

A healthy community is peaceful and inclusive. This requires a strong commitment by all community members to participate in socially responsible speech and behavior at all times. Are responsible speech and behavior the predominant features of current American society? To its credit, the culture of Facebook is generally cordial and inclusive. Perhaps the Facebook experience, combined with a renewed commitment of neighbors and friends to build and maintain real community, will help us repair our society in time. I certainly hope so.

Who?

Who is the greater racist? The person who admits seeing race and to reacting to it, despite his best efforts and wishes to change the impact of racism in his own life, OR the person of any race who so prides himself on his race that he insists upon being treated exceptionally because of his race?

Who cannot see race, if he/she has functioning vision? Who is more trustworthy? Is it the person who openly acknowledges the unfortunate and undesirable effects of race on his/her perceptions and reactions? Or is it the person who says he/she is 'race blind' and runs away from discussions about race?

Who truly cares about race once a sincere human connection is made between two human beings? What keeps people from being sincere with each other? Is the problem racism? Is the problem anger? Is the problem fear? Is the problem pride? Or is the problem simply one of bad personal habits that get in the way?

Practice is all about challenging and changing personal habits one relationship at a time. A society comprised of people who believe in their responsibility to practice personal growth and compassion cannot be racist, sexist, homophobic or violent. Practice is living through positive change by taking chances and practicing peace.

Thaw

This winter in New England has been long and cold. The earth recently thawed somewhat. The piles of snow have melted for the most part. I saw the large planter in my yard for the first time since December this week. I realized that the revelation of all the hidden constants on my small piece of property stimulated me to feel excitement and a great sense of comfort. Winter will pass. Spring will come.

The practice of forgiveness in relationships elicits much the same response in me. When I can get to that forgiveness or feel that forgiveness coming to me from someone else, I am refreshed and liberated from the darkness that comes with stored anger and resentment. This is an ongoing mutual process in some of my relationships. And, those relationships which never move from anger to forgiveness are frozen beneath a glacier of indifference.

Learning to expand practice to mindfully dealing with inevitable unpleasantness in daily life is key to personal development. Forgiveness is one way to deal with one's own anger. Forgiveness in you may well inspire forgiveness in those whom you may offend.

Singles

Human beings in pairs are seen as more stable, more trustworthy and more worthy of societal approval. This myth is gradually eroding. Human beings in heterosexual pairs with genetic offspring are seen as the peak of the pyramid formed by the human species. This undeserved social status is being clung to with extended talons by religious fanatics all over the planet.

Those who see the reproduction of human beings in jeopardy when the planet is swarming with nearly 6 billion people are clearly insane. Those who intelligently choose to not reproduce should be compensated by the human species with great appreciation.

The barrier to this sane approach to human reproduction and the choices about pairing or being single is the greed of capitalist thinking, which is based on endless population expansion. Those in power rely on the maintenance of an endless pool of mindless taxpayers and unquestioning laborers.

Being single and independently functional in this capitalist plan is quite stressful and challenging. This, of course, is not the perception created by those who are rabidly invested in marriage and reproduction as a holy crusade. Those who are married with children find it difficult to appreciate the special qualities of their single friends and relations.

The single person is mobile, often well educated, sexually free of emotional chains and more likely to be open to people of varied backgrounds. Single people are used to being in friendships with paired people, as well as single people. Single people are often the caretakers of the elderly in their families. Single people actively confront loneliness and alienation in their lives by working at being socially engaged. They are less likely to be complacent and self satisfied.

My practice has included maintaining 'single consciousness' in my life while allowing myself to be committed and caring in my relationships. This is a difficult practice. It is not a static practice. It is a daily practice.

Boundaries

I ride the subway every week. I have found that the walls around people in that social space have become all but impenetrable. Eye contact is avoided. Facial expressions are flat and devoid of emotion. Occasionally, while reading an advertisement above the heads of passengers opposite me which solicits subjects for a depression study at a local medical center, I fight the urge to direct my fellow riders' attention to the ad above them.

Is this just post-911 ennui? I do not think so.

Boundaries are necessary in a civil society and in healthy relationships between friends or family. Yet, in this society, which is increasingly uncivil, the boundaries erected by individuals against social contacts with strangers are not symptomatic of health. Rather, these are walls built out of fear. And the fear is quite justified, when teenagers are carrying illegal firearms and all the mental institutions have been emptied onto the streets.

My practice is simple. I try to remain open in social situations, yet I also respect the boundaries obviously erected by those who are afraid. I do intervene when I see criminal behavior. I report it or directly address it. Recently I told a teenager to stop defacing the interior of a subway car with a permanent marker, for example. He was so humiliated, he sat like a turnip with his head bowed for the next several stops when I left the train. Part of practice for me entails doing the work of determining the boundaries and responsibilities of being a responsible citizen, friend or family member. Avoiding that work is irresponsible and will only make matters worse for everyone.