Cruelty

The minor cruelties of life are the most socially erosive. I see examples of these minor cruelties every day in my crowded urban environment. The adolescent thug lounges across three subway seats as people stand around him in the aisles. Groups of young pedestrians push past a tenuously balanced elder on a crowded sidewalk. The entitled customer holds up a cashier line for no reason with little regard for those behind him. Drivers routinely risk the well being of others by running red lights.

When I walked into my 90-year-old mother's hospital room last evening on a relatively quiet hospital floor in a renowned urban hospital, I found that the meal server had placed her food tray just out of her reach and had not helped her raise her bed to an eating position. My mother, having had a hip replacement two days earlier, had been struggling to reach her meal prior to my arrival. I later saw the meal server when she collected the tray officiously. It was obvious that she was oblivious to how cruel and alienating her attitude was.

The minor cruelties add up to the major atrocities in society. This is a well known process. It can be reversed only by education and example. I consider it part of my practice as a humanist in society to foster attitudes of cooperation and consideration of all human beings in life situations. As a citizen, I believe I can do this best by modeling considerate and cooperative civil behavior in public situations. In work situations, modeling cooperative and considerate behavior with peers is a way of working against a culture of cruelty. As a supervisor, intervening against cruel or antisocial behavior is an ethical responsibility in my opinion.

The politics of fear in America have many side effects. One unfortunate side effect is the obvious hesitancy of people in public situations to engage with strangers. This generalized social isolation is destructive to the fiber of social cooperation and consideration. It makes open expression of compassion a rare commodity. And, it makes each of us more vulnerable to the cruelty of others.

Ego

Ego can be a touchstone and a prison. While finding one's center involves a certain amount of devotion to self-discovery and understanding, finding one's most peaceful and compassionate place in human society involves turning from one's own needs in favor of awareness of the needs of others. I believe the person with the most developed, secure ego is also the person whose ego is least apparent in productive social interactions.

The current bee-hive mentality which is popular in some segments of society can be a retardant to healthy ego development. Conformity and the distractions of the mass-think which develops in social media rob time away from reflection, solitude and reading those sources which would lead to self-discovery and understanding. Facebook-think is a salad of shallow observations, one-liners and thumbs-up "likes".

Distraction from suffering does not address or modify its source. It fuels denial through bolstering an attitude that everyone is the same in every way. This equivocation deepens dysfunction when it is used to seal over deep scars of developmental trauma, individual genetic problems or chronic relational problems. While the sense of belonging is soothing, it does not heal or modify individual challenges, which can worsen when ignored over time.

So, there is a great challenge in this Twitter age. While constantly being and writing about "me", man do not take the time and effort to analyze and understand the "me" being communicated to the world. What is it's purpose? Where is it channeling its energies? What is its place in society?

I see my own humanist practice as working on my self-understanding in order to better contribute to the human experience through communication and action in each moment. I seek to be a process, as opposed to a fait accompli. An important part of that process is the constant interaction and influence of others in various settings and relationships as my days progress.

Inertia

The human brain has its own form of inertia. This inertia seems to increase with material comfort and affluence. It leads to conservatism in most who follow that path.

Hunger combats human inertia. The hunger for knowledge, the hunger for food, the hunger for human affection. These are motivators for human change, human progress. Intentional use of hunger is a powerful tool, used for centuries by those who have sought enlightenment and freedom from desire. Hermits isolated themselves from human companionship to produce a hunger for human interaction. The silence of cloisters produced a hunger for human speech and conversation. Yogis fast to liberate themselves from the distractions of metabolism.

How do you overcome your inertia? Do you even try? The seduction of routine consumption of food, alcohol, and entertainment is ever present in American life. Those who have grown rich by glutting America with consumables now try to steer its government to allow for even more exploitation of the consumers' addiction and greed. Cheaper fast food. More drugs. Less need for mobility. More bad television and distracting gadgets.

Overcoming mental and physical inertia is part of my personal practice. As I age, this requires more and more effort and mindfulness. A rigorous exercise regime is necessary. A strict adherence to a healthy diet is necessary. Daily morning commitment to make each day a day of progress, not stasis. Inertia is easy. Practicing the art of being the most growthful person I can be is difficult.

Culture

The current infatuation with multiple cultures in America seems enlightened on the surface. However, it is important to bear in mind that cultures often stand in the way of greater human progress. Idolizing a culture without a critical and analytical eye is childishly naive.

I was aghast yesterday as I listened to an NPR quiz show. The guest celebrity was a rap singer who was overtly and unabashedly bragging about his American subculture of violence, robbery and drug abuse. The audience seemed to find this quite humorous. I found it disturbing and symptomatic of a sick society.

Similarly, the recent fascination in America with Islamic cultures seems a natural reaction to being aggressively attacked on September 11th, 2001 by a wealthy Saudi madman and his minions. However, the equivocation of cultures which behead women for adultery and hang young men for being gay to American culture is just plain stupid. Many Americans seem unable to take the critical step to investigate a culture's full spectrum of positive and negative traits. I speculate that this is based in intellectual laziness or a delusion that smiling at everything about a culture will keep people from that culture from creating mayhem.

Human cultural development follows patterns which can be readily discerned by studying history critically and analytically. This implies the use of science, a foreign culture indeed for many contemporary Americans, it seems. Science isn't about being blissfully ignorant. It isn't about denying the unpleasant in hopes that it will go away.

Multiculturalism in America can serve a wonderful purpose to enrich the greater American culture. However, the present approach media and politicians are taking toward multiculturalism is shallow and inane, generally. Blanket acceptance of any culture as "great" or "cool" is counterproductive. Fostering the elements of any culture which advance universal human rights and world peace is common sense. Learning the difference takes time, study and openness to truth.

Worship

The day when worship of idols is seen as wishful thinking is at hand. It has come perhaps too late. By waiting for imaginary friends or salvaging aliens to save us from ourselves, the human species has run through the wealth of the planet by overpopulating it and exploiting one another for profit. Now the mighty minority of the wealthy sit in their self-made corners, gated golf courses and high-rise palaces. They fantasize about space colonization and eternal life. They go abroad for plastic surgery in countries where people eat garbage off the streets.

I rejoice in, not worship, my own generous human spirit, shared by my awakened brothers and sisters, who see past the greed, corruption and laziness of personal wealth to a common good. By joining in our right actions and right thoughts, we may start a process of human healing, which in turn could heal the planet. By appealing to the peaceful and good in everyone we meet, we can perhaps overcome the violent and selfish.

Identity

A constant battle in my daily practice is one between my identity and my humanity. I see this same battle play out in the human family. The signs are everywhere.

A prime and relatively benign example is the Muslim head scarf, an outward statement of religious and cultural identity. Yes, it is just a piece of fabric. Just as red AIDS ribbons were initially. However, in countries where rabid Muslim extremists have killed innocent thousands through terrorism, this statement of identity is a barrier to harmony and trust. And, in countries where women have fought for decades for liberation from male oppression, this piece of fabric is a statement of identity with forces which would oppress women again if allowed.

I recall the early days of the rainbow flag, now a symbol associated GLBT liberation and identity. The flag's multicolors are not a reference to Dorothy's song in "The Wizard of Oz", "Over the Rainbow", as I have heard the uninformed state on several occasions. The rainbow flag was meant to symbolize a minority movement which united people of all colors and ethnic backgrounds. It was a symbol of merged identity, of shared humanity.

Getting past identity responses is difficult. As human beings, we have many tribal and familial habits of identifying with people like us which have served for centuries to provide us with a sense of safety and social stability. The reality is that groups do differ in cultural and biological ways. However, getting past that identity factor is essential to reaching a state of compassionate peace with all living beings.

Being politically correct in a conformist sense does not abolish identity issues, though it does provide a more peaceful public environment in which to do the individual work of reaching down to basic humanity to create peace and cooperation in each human situation. Getting past identity requires mindful practice. It is an important step to achieve the individual peace that promotes world peace.

Creativity

I recently moved from a house to a small apartment in the city. I had to prioritize my routines. Routines necessary for my health maintenance were first in line: Up at an early hour, yoga, medications, breakfast, going to the gym. These essentials were modified minimally while I was packing, unpacking and organizing on both ends of the move.

The process had an impact on my writing. The basic variable was one of time. I have come to understand that I need a lot of time to produce writing which I consider worthy of being shared with others. That time isn't always spent in front of a monitor at my desk, by any means. The time that was missing while I was moving was my time for walking in the woods or on the beach. It was the time I spend writing long emails to friends with whom I regularly correspond. And, it was the time I routinely spend reading on the Web and in print.

As I grow older, I am very impatient about and careful with my time. This comes with the daily mindfulness that my window of existence is closing and could slam shut at any moment. My creativity flows from the conscious use of my time to stimulate a creative response in my brain. I call it "playing with my brain".

The impatience about wasting my time becomes a problem in some relationships. I used to suffer fools gladly. My work for many years entailed spending time trying to decode the garbled thinking and impaired communication of mentally ill and impaired people. This builds personal habits, which I have been trying to unlearn for over a decade. Those habits were a major impedance to my creative process for many years, despite the fact the work which developed them provides me still with grist for my stories and poetry.

Entering relationships for me now requires quickly assessing the worth of each relationship in terms of my creative process and my need to maintain my vitality in order to be creative. This is a challenge to my precept of generosity of spirit: I have tried for decades to be open to everyone I meet and their needs, as part of my humanist practice, born out of my Buddhist studies. The by-product of this struggle has been an increased skill and creativity in developing the relationships in my life which enhance my creativity. Those people who obstruct my creativity by wasting my time get less of it.

So, my creative process does not exclusively entail externalizing ideas and emotions into art. It also entails sculpting my own daily human experience into an artful being. The synthesis of these two processes is very powerful. To live creativity, as a mindful person, brings a value and spontaneity to writing, drawing and movement which surpasses intellectual art. Every fiber of the day becomes a piece of the work.

This recent move has brought a realization that I have made progress in this process. While I found that my routines were disrupted and impacted my output of written work. I also found that my new and old routines easily melded into functional and creative days, in which I accomplished quite a lot without being overwhelmed or hypercritical of myself for not doing more.

The result is an appreciation of what is and who I am. This is a creative, living place in each moment from which to move through space and time. What is simply is. I am there in the moment to use whatever it is in a creative and positive way to the best of my ability. I believe this is the core of being creative and of simply being, in a mindful and compassionate way.

Christians

"What would Jesus do?" That was the central mantra of the Christianity in which I was raised. In fact, the utter failure of the representatives and officials of that Christianity to live by that standard drove me from that Christianity and the other mainstream Christian sects.

Similarly, I say to Buddhist practitioners, "What would Gotama do?" I tire of those who identify themselves as Buddhists or Buddhist-friendlies and live as materialistic hedonists with little or no regard for those in need around them. I bristle at those who turn Buddhism into a lucrative career path by selling it to the wealthy as a balm for their already lapsed social consciences.

Practicing mindfulness and compassion in the moment every day is not easy. The world is immersed in suffering all around us. The awakened sees the suffering and is compelled to action, right action , to ease it in whatever incremental way possible in each life situation. Jesus and Gotama, as best as I can tell, were awakened human beings. They did not set out to be demigods, used by scoundrels for political and materialistic purposes. They tried to promote a daily practice of peace and justice for all human beings.

Solstice

The Summer Solstice comes this weekend. The longest day of the year. Here in New England, this day of most sunlight has always held significance for me. Our winters are fairly long. January and February are dismal months. So, I often think of this solstice time in those dark days. While revelers are celebrating Christmas and New Year, I am mourning the loss of light. Perhaps I have never lost the genetic memories of my Druid roots.

As I have grown older, I have become more and more sensitive to the seasons and their light. I have developed empathy for the plants in my small front garden. Every morning, I check in with them, as we respond to the weather and light of the day. This has healed my relationship with the planet, I believe. That relationship was horribly narcissistic on my part for many decades. Raised as a selfish human, I had lived as though the planet existed only for me, my comfort, my pleasure.

I know better now. It has taken quite a lot of reality-testing to get my attention. I understand the nearly universal human denial of global climate destruction. However, I also know that this will bring horrors yet unimagined to the human species in the not-too-distant future. I shake my head at those human beings who have procreated and are not rabid environmentalists. This seems to me the height of human ignorance and folly.

I will try to enjoy the long, lavender twilight of another year. The cycle goes on, as it will after I am gone. I am learning to find comfort within my small place on the planet and in The Universe. This deepens my human experience. It does not lessen it.

Moving

Those who awaken

Never rest in one place.

Like swans, they rise
And leave the lake.

On the air they rise
And fly an invisible course,

Gathering nothing, storing nothing.

Their food is knowledge.

They live upon emptiness.

They have seen how to break free.

---The Dhammapada, Canto VII, The Master,

Shambhala Pocket Classics Edition, 1976

My propensity for moving house frequently is a matter of endless amusement among my friends and family. I have moved about 30 times in the past 40 years. As a single man in an urban setting with a job which paid a moderate salary for most of my career, I often moved out of economic necessity. Rent increases motivated me to look for more affordable digs. Sometimes I moved for environmental reasons: Noise, rough neighbors, homophobia, bad plumbing, sparking electrical systems. These various factors threatened my serenity and/or my person. Since I value both, I moved.

After certain events prompted my early retirement from nursing, I utilized my moving skills and my real estate skills to secure better housing and some financial security simultaneously. Not an avid capitalist, I was not a flipper for the thrill. I turned over property in which I lived to achieve peace with myself as well as some financial independence.

I am now moving again. Having placed my house under agreement, I have taken an apartment in a location that suits my current aspirations and relationships. I have been fortunate that my pursuits have placed me in the hands of a responsible and personable property owner. And, I feel this move has advanced my inner journey to be at one with myself so I may continue to try to become the human being I would like to be through my humanist practice.

A substantial part of the beauty for me of this move lies in the realization that the people who are purchasing my house are experiencing an advancement in their life journeys as well, from what I have been told. To achieve a sense of harmony between commerce and humanism in my life is important to me. While I have always held to a personal code of ethics in business, I have not always felt harmonious in the process of buying and selling. So many who buy and sell are obsessed with winning. And, where there is a winner, there is a loser. I have been in both roles, and I have not found much sustainable happiness in either.

I find now that I am able to see the role of consumer and the role of vendor as potentially cooperative, as opposed to competitive. This is rather antithetic to modern capitalism in the U.S.. I don't care. I relish being an odd ball in most things.

So, I intend to keep moving. My grandfather often said, "Stay where you are; keep moving." I believe he meant internal movement was more important than changing the external or circumstantial. He lived in the same apartment for decades. I am learning to cherish moving in itself, internally and circumstantially. It just seems to agree with me.

Choice

Once again HBO has shown other media how to address real life issues with quality. You Don't Know Jack is a new HBO biopic about Dr. Jack Kevorkian, glibly dubbed Dr. Death by the media, who shamelessly exploited his selfless crusade for the death rights of his fellow human beings. Al Pacino delivers a compelling portrayal of Kevorkian. I recommend the film as a primer on the issue of clinically assisted suicide.

The appearance of this film coincides with the consideration of death-with-dignity rights in the Massachusetts legislature. It also follows upon the exploitation of ignorance about death and dying by the Tea Party in the recent health reform debates. The intentionally contrived lies that euthanasia panels were being considered by Congress mobilized uninformed seniors to fight against health care reform which would actually benefit them.

I recently submitted an article on life choices of humanists, who are free of religious prescriptions when dealing with health crises, to a humanist journal. The article included a consideration of clinically assisted suicide as a choice for terminally ill humanists. I cited the recent PBS Frontline program, Suicide Tourist. The article was rejected on the grounds that it is "too controversial". So, even among humanists, atheists and agnostics, dealing openly with death and dying is too scary or politically incorrect in the 21st Century.

I believe that dealing honestly and compassionately with our shared mortality may be a key element of eliminating violence and hatred in society. If we could educate ourselves as a species to acknowledge and always consider how fleeting all life is, perhaps we could develop more general compassion and understanding of each other and our precious planet.

Practice

I try every day to practice mindful, intentional, purposeful behaviors and thoughts, governed by an informed ethical standard. This is what I refer to as my humanist practice.

House

a house is not a gnome

in the garden nor castle
from plywood and nails.

at best it's shelter from
prying eyes, cold or heat
of the night or blue days.

at worst it's a holy shrine
of flash and shining ego
with designer labels about.

materialism won't feed
you, homeless in the night,

even in an ivory mansion.

move the furniture now

and throw everything out.

windows and doors wide.

do welcome in the outside.

make your own house just,

a place for love and peace.

Humanism

If there was a Jesus, he was a human being.

If there was a Buddha, he was a human being.

If there was a Moses, he was a human being.

If there was a Prophet, he was a human being.

Isn't the lesson simple?

Every human being has the potential to improve the world.

Churches

I recently watched an apologist on TV excuse the papacy for its collusion in pedophile sex abuse. This man was once a mayor of a major U.S. city and ambassador to The Vatican. He also has been suspected of political corruption and has a reputation as a brazenly public alcoholic. Therefore, his moral compass apparently points South. Perhaps this is the best modern media outlets can do in the papal-apologist category after the unrelenting revelations of wretched and chronic child abuse by Catholic priests and nuns.

Why would any sane, truly moral, truly ethical person continue to identify himself as a Roman Catholic after this has come to light? I don't know.

Christ's composite biography, whether fictional or factual, describes an admirable human being. Actually, he was outstanding in his time, which was an age of brutal materialism, like today. Christ did not belong to a church. He was not Catholic. He was born an ethnic Jew, but his disdain for institutional Judaism is quite obvious in the various records. In fact, politicized, institutional Judaism colluded in his execution. Everything I have read about Jesus cries "anti-religious".

Now, if you profess to be a Christian, you are actually following the teachings of someone who would not belong to your Christian club. He would not wear funny clothes and wave around the thing they hung him on to execute him. Who would? Unless, of course, you think Jesus was a masochist. I don't see that in what I've read about him.

When I read about Jesus Christ, I see a man who loved people, despite the fact they frequently let him down. He didn't care about toys and status symbols. He didn't own a house or even rent one. He slept outside a lot. He had a real temper, and I'd love to see what he would have done to a priest who he found abusing a child. My guess is he'd have beaten the living crap out of him.

So, why is it that religious Christians don't get it? Why do they keep getting suckered into building megachurches and paying for BMWs for their pastors? Why do they listen to puffed up con-men who have absolutely no resemblance to Jesus Christ, whom they claim to emulate and represent? Are these religious Christians deaf, dumb and blind? Or are they simply lazy? Or do they accept corruption of Christ's message in their pastors to excuse it in themselves?

You do not have to belong to a church to be a Christian. Just follow what Christ taught. Read the New Testament and follow it in every situation every day. It would be very hard, but that would definitely make you a Christian more than being dunked in a river or singing hymns on Sunday. And, you'd probably be a lot happier.

You don't have to belong to a club to be a good person. I consciously choose to live an ethical life with compassion and generosity, as difficult as it can be. I call myself a humanist, but actually I am simply a human being. I associate with other humanists, but I don't pay dues or feel the need to wear a T shirt to be one.

The more we can all accept our ability to be good, non-violent and ethical human beings without picking a side, a uniform or a label to do it, the better off we will all be.

Lifestyle

The word "choice" has become imbued with connotations of individualism by its constant use in reference to reproductive rights of women. However, I see choice as the key element of humanist practice, or humanist lifestyle.

"Paper or plastic?" This question, slowly becoming obsolete with the advent of pay-per-bag policies in food stores, is a good example of choice in a materialistic, consumer-driven society. It is a trick question for the humanist, in my opinion. The mindful humanist answer would be "Neither, I have my canvas bag, thank you." This mindful, practical humanist would have made the choice to bring his reusable bag, in other words. And, if he forgets to make that choice, he could choose either option as long as he recycles whichever bag he chooses. In other words, all choices aren't necessarily polar, dichotomous or rigid.

These minor daily lifestyle choices comprise what I call my humanist practice. I have been inspired to make the connection between lifestyle and practice after being accused recently on several occasions of incorrectly using the term "humanist" in reference to these lifestyle choices. The accusers were quite obviously offended by my use of the word "practice". Inferences were made that I might well be a closeted Catholic or Buddhist. In other words, choosing an ethical lifestyle and associating it with my sense of humanism apparently offended them as self-identified Humanists, with the capital H.

Living in any closet or behind any banner is alien to me. At first, these challenges confused me. After all, I hadn't prescribed my particular humanist lifestyle for these Humanists. I did choose to tell them what my humanist lifestyle entails. I did sit and hoped to hear what their Humanist lifestyles entail. I am still listening, but, frankly, I haven't heard much from these particular Humanists about their Humanist choices in daily life.

So, I wonder, is the new Humanism just another coffee-social opportunity for those who wish to gingerly approach humanist action for the betterment of the species and the planet, as long as it is not inconvenient or costly? After all, that is also a choice of lifestyle. Any movement ultimately reflects those who shape it and maintain it. Humanism, as a growing social, ethical movement, will reflect the choices and lifestyles/practices of those who support it.

For my part, as someone who has consciously tried to live a personal humanism in work and relationships throughout my adult life, participation in the activities of the current Humanist movement is simply an extension of my humanist lifestyle. However, I am beginning to question whether many in the new Humanist movement are simply joining another club for networking or social gratification without making a personal, daily commitment to advocating for and working for the ideals of universal human rights, universal human education, universal human health care, universal human economic justice.

Yes, my ideals are lofty. If ideals aren't lofty, then what's the point of having them? I am an older man with a lot of mileage and wear. But, I cannot see the worth of any ethical movement in the current world we humans have made which does not actively address the growing problems and inequities which will develop with ecological deterioration and overpopulation, caused by the human species.

This activism begins with individual, moment-by-moment commitment to mindful, just and compassionate choice. I call this my humanist practice, or my humanist lifestyle, if you wish. What do you call the process of your daily choices?

Practice

I come back over and over again to thoughts of practice. Perhaps I am simply post-traumatic.

The earliest years of my education were spent among American Catholic clergy in the 1950's. Coming from a English-Russian-speaking home, since my grandmother who lived with us spoke Russian, I endured daily U.S. propaganda and Vatican propaganda about the evils of the Soviets, referred to as "the Russians". And, at home, I listened to stories about how my Russian-American uncle, an engineer, caused the family to be under constant Federal scrutiny because he worked for the Manhattan Project during WWII.

From my perspective, the U.S. bathes in its own hypocrisy culturally. I touts equality and is racist, sexist. It touts democracy and is a plutocracy. It touts morality and is hedonistic. It touts peace and is militaristic, belligerent, aggressive. It touts diversity and is exploitive of new immigrants. It touts mass prosperity and begrudges the people health care. It touts free markets and exploits nationalism.

So, how does this relate to humanist practice? Humanist practice, as I see it, is an antidote to hypocrisy. If I attempt daily to live with midfulness, honesty and compassion in all aspects of my life from moment to moment, I cannot be hypocritical in the moment. This is a key process to overcoming personal fear and insecurity. It is liberating. Liberation promotes internal peace. Human beings, freed of internal fear, are less likely to be materialistic, greedy, aggressive or defensive.

The first benefit of this practice is the practitioner's internal peace. As personal liberation takes hold, the humanist can be more open and understanding in each moment. Truly owning oneself in honesty and in peace leads to greater individual balance in the world. This is an ongoing and dynamic practice, requiring daily commitment and perserverance.

Dying

Craig Ewert died in Switzerland in 2006 by his own intentional plan. He was helped by two men, working with the Swiss organization, Dignitas. His devoted wife sat with him, massaged his feet and gently wished him a "safe journey'.

If you have not seen this week's PBS-Frontline presentation, "Suicide Tourist", watch it on line. The Ewerts will tell you everything you need to know about assisted suicide. My gratitude to them is profound. As a humanist, as a human being, as a nurse, I see them as courageous and highly admirable.

You may also watch "Right to Die?", the original documentary, in five parts on youtube.

Idols

I just got off the phone from a conversation with my friend, Joyce. I want to share the wonder of Joyce with you.

Joyce, who lives alone on Cape Cod, is eighty-two. She's a seamstress and a local socialite. She takes town meetings seriously and never passes up a chance to meet someone new. She has been a rare grandmother who sadly survived the death of her own beautiful grandson over a decade ago.

I first met Joyce in 1986. I had moved to Provincetown that Fall. I was in transition in my life. I commuted back and forth to Boston for two days a week for work on a Honda CB650 motorcycle, but I lived in a tiny one-room cottage in Joyce's garden.

Joyce, who is somewhat diminutive, looked up at me on the day we met, after I had dismounted my motorcycle in her driveway. I saw deep perceptiveness in her blue eyes. I had answered an ad in the newspaper for her rental cottage. She showed me the cottage. She said I could have it. I moved in the following week.

By the following year, I was living in New York, where I moved to work in AIDS hospice care. But, Joyce, who had lived for decades in Manhattan in the prime of her life, stayed in my thoughts. We had become friends quickly.

Over the following 8 years, I visited Joyce regularly. She was kind enough to put me up at times. I sometimes house-sat for her while she was off on her world travels. Traveling is her passion. I was lucky enough to be part of her life. I got to know her two daughters. I watched her grandson, who was born with a serious birth defect, grow up in a loving and nurturing family. I stood by in grief when he died. There have been few times in my life that equal simple suppers at Joyce's kitchen table. She and I can talk for hours.

In 1995, I was told I could die in 6 months. And indeed, after 6 months I could not maintain my life in my city house. I was crippled with shortness of breath and exhaustion. The stress of being in the city and the knowledge that I was deteriorating was a daily torture. None of my friends or family seemed forthcoming and willing to see me through the worst of it, which seemed to be fast approaching.

One evening, I was speaking with Joyce on the phone. She was obviously disturbed by how I sounded. Eventually, she said, "Well, my cottage, your old cottage, is vacant. Why don't you sell your house and come here and live in my garden?" I wept immediately. A great weight was lifted from my chest. I said, "But, Joyce, I'm dying. I wouldn't want to..." Joyce interrupted me, "I know. I know what I'm doing. You put that house on the market. I'll be up next week and help you bring what you want down here." And she came and she did.

I did very nearly die that year in Provincetown. I woke one morning at 3 AM unable to breathe. Weeks followed in hospitals. Months of IV treatments followed that. I needed a walker to cross the eight feet of living room to the bathroom in my little cottage. But, I endured and survived. Despite my disgust at the profiteering of the pharmaceutical industry, it has saved my life more than once.

Through it all, Joyce brought me soup, sat with me at supper time, called me on the phone several times a day. She was the best of human beings to me. When I decided to move back to Boston eventually to be closer to the medical care I would need, Joyce never flinched in her friendship and openness. We have remained solid friends and have never had an angry argument.

Joyce is my American Idol. She is the model of what I consider a humanist to be. She would dismiss this as foolishness, which, of course, would only strengthen my opinion of her. Joyce is the rare human being whose vision of her own way through the world is always crisp and resilient. Despite her many challenges, she opens her eyes and her heart to each new day with the same energy and curiosity. This is true strength. This is what I aspire to become in my own daily practice as a humanist and a human being.

Birthday

What is the obsession with birthdays about? Why do we choose to forget that every birthday is a sentence to a death day?

Birth is the lottery of the Universe. Where you are born, to whom you are born, with what genetic characteristics you are born, all these determine your life experience to a great degree. Those, for the most part, who are blessed in birth deny this, but it is true, statistically and scientifically.

So, life itself is a lottery. There are winners and losers on an elemental level. One human reaction to this reality is to claim their winnings are deigned by a Supreme Being. Another is to enshrine their luckier ancestors as deserving of great praise and sanctity. Yet another is to establish and enshrine a genetic dynasty. The losers of life's lottery cope, strive and survive as best they can. If they are fortunate enough or aggressive enough, they may find themselves in a society which believes in social security and economic justice for all. If not, they live and die in hunger, pain and misery.

I have always found birthday celebrations somewhat silly. "Look how wonderful I am." or "Look what a wonderful human being I have made." or "Look at what a wonderful person I have employed or found to love." These have been the undercurrents of all too many birthday celebrations I have observed. While I think applauding, supporting and loving people every day is a worthy practice, I feel uncomfortable when I see celebrations that are lies in settings where the daily practice of love, support and appreciation are badly lacking. These parties often ring of hypocrisy and token compensation for neglect and bad treatment.

I happen to believe my death day is a much more important day, of which to be constantly mindful. It may be today. I think of how different human society would be, if we all were aware of this in every moment as part of our human experience.

Part of becoming a true humanist is embracing the reality of the human condition in your own daily life. Every human being you see has been brought into life unwillingly into circumstances outside his/her control. Most have been brought into life by human beings who have not realistically accepted the grave responsibility of reproduction. They have rolled the dice for the unborn, who must then live with the consequences for a whole lifetime and then die.

This brings great sobriety to bringing another human being to life. I have seen those who have accepted this fully. They are the few exemplary parents I have met. However, I have seen many more birthday celebrations where the true children were the parents, still at sea with what their lives are truly about.

As a totally homosexual man, I have won one lottery, I feel, by not having the biological urge to take the vast staggering, responsibility for fathering another human life. This does give me a very different perspective on birth and death. I do not see myself as somehow becoming immortal through my offspring, for example. This is a concept that seems rather primitive to me, frankly.

I am the genetic offspring of two human beings, but I certainly am not either one of them in consciousness or practice. I would not want to be. It is enough of a burden to live with what I have been left genetically and environmentally through their transmission of various challenges to be overcome. Perhaps, if I had been otherwise gifted, I would feel differently. I understand that. But, I have not, and billions of others on this planet have not. My empathy and compassion is with them.

I have struggled with this question for many years now. I no longer see my displeasure over my birthday as simply neurotic, as I have been encouraged to do by many I know. My practice every year is to use my birthday as a time to meditate on these issues again. And, as the approach of my death day becomes more palpable, my perspective becomes wider and deeper on the randomness and commonality of all life. So much of being human, it seems to me, is choosing to do daily whatever we can to improve on life's accidents for all our fellow beings.